Our Tenth Wedding Anniversary

April 7th war our tenth wedding anniversary, so before going any farther I'd just like to thank my wife saying "yes" and agreeing to share her life with me! While I wish to avoid the cliché about it seeming like only yesterday, it doesn't seem like we've been married for ten years! I don't claim to know all the secrets to a long-lasting and happy marriage, and while there are factors which are outside of our control, I can share what I know about my marriage.

I've found someone to share my life with and someone to share her life with me. I think that this is what most everyone is looking for, ultimately. Sure you might want this or that in your spouse or significant other, but you want to be able to share your happy moments as well as your sad ones, for better or worse as the vows often say.

In the beginning of most relationships there is the excitement of getting to know the other person, everything is new and exciting. While there is the honeymoon period to your marriage, you could also say that there is a honeymoon period to most of your relationships (regardless of if you are married or not). Some couples that have been married for a long time say that they do various things to keep the spirit of the honeymoon period alive and to keep their relationship exciting and new. Other couples do various things to rekindle the spirit of that honeymoon period. I think that you need to find some sort of balance so that this doesn't drive you and your spouse crazy with trying too hard and that you don't drown in the mundane parts of life or in all its tribulations.

I believe that common or shared interests are essential. Early in relationships you can have lots of differences, maybe even there is a spark or chemistry because you're so different than your significant other that drives your relationship, but later on it is helpful to have interests that you share. My wife and I both like to travel and learn about places that we haven't been before. We both get excited about visiting a new place that we haven't seen before, or going back to a place that we really enjoyed. Some couples have hobbies that they share together. The more things that you share that both enjoy, then this can also mean that more of your time together can be fun quality time that you both really enjoy.

Raising kids together can really help bring a couple together. In many marriages the children become the focus of our lives. When the kids are little there are the wonderful memories that you have of all the firsts and all the cute things that they do. Later on there is all the learning and development of your kids. A word of warning, while kids can bring couples closer together, they won't necessarily save a marriage. Not everyone wants kids and there is a lot of work and responsiblity that goes with having kids, so it is not a decission that should be made too lightly. It sure is hard to beat the satisfaction of seeing what good kids you have and somehow feeling somewhat responsible for that.

Mine is not a prefect relationship. In fact, if you were to ask my wife, I'm sure that she could list some things that I could do better in our relationship. What I think is important is to realize that nobody is perfect and not drive yourself crazy trying to find "the perfect relationship". On the other hand you also need to realize when you're not happy with the relationship and get out. If you're miserable now, why do you think that you'll be happy a year from now or farther down the road with your significant other. You also need to realize when you're in a toxic relationship and run. I've known lots of women who wanted to fix this or that guy, but it is really hard to change someone and being able to change someone into what you want sometimes makes them "unexciting" and "unattractive".

My wife has a German passport and nationality but she is American in her mind, soul, and heart. From early on she had an attraction to American things and people. She was an exhange student in high school and was able to spend some time in America. While she is German, she often felt herself being American. How does this lead to a successful marriage you might ask? It is hard to quantify, but this is one of those intangilbe things in our relationship that makes it work. I used to dream about living in Europe, and through my wife I've been able to do this. Through me, my wife was able to live in the U.S. for a year, have an American family that lovers her, and further cultivate her "Americaness". Maybe there is the secrete ingridient to marriage, that bonding or imprinting experience that draws the couple together. This might also be the "this is our story" component, every marriage and every relationship has its own "unique" story behind it.

I remember that my grandfather used to describe my grandmother as "good friend" when he talked about her to others. He used to say that talking to her about what happened to him during the course of his day was one of the things that bothered him the most after she died. I'd say that is one of the things that I was looking for, regardless of if I really knew it or not.

I remember before getting married having said that I thought that it should be harder to get married, to which one of my sisters said to be careful what you wished for. One of the things that I had meant by that statement was that was if people had to think more about marriage before getting married, there would be less divorces. When Christine and I said our wedding vows, we made a comitment to each other. While we've certainly been blessed, we both decided that that our vows meant something to us and that we were going to be there for each other

Couples need to find a way to disagree and to fight. This is one area where many marriages and relationships fall apart. It is darn near impossible that two people will ever agree on everything. You might be able to go a long time without finding and major disagreements but they are bound to happen and you need to be able to know that your relationship can survive the differences. How this is handled will vary with every couple and every relationship. If there are never any disagreements, you have to wonder if the relationship is in good shape, there might be warning signs. If one person is always going along with other person they might not care about all the small decisions but they might also be building up a resentment over always giving in.

Christine, thank you for taking me into your life and being my wife! I look forward to many more years to come. If you're interested you can read about how we met, the wedding, and another post that I wrote in honor our 7th Annivesary. I find it hard to believe that it has been ten years. When I think about couples celebrating 25 year anniversaries, that doesn't seem so far off now any more. I hope that everyone can find some to share their life with that makes them happy and is good for them.

Photo taken at the Wiesbaden Biebrich Schloss (castle) April 7, 2000.